Well, this isn’t exactly how I planned to spend my first week back as a stay-at-home mom. Yes, you heard that right. I am currently a stay-at-home mom again as of last Thursday…the last day of my company’s existence as we know it. The news came as a bit of a shock in terms of the timing, although when I think about it, I’m not really surprised. I always knew the day might come when my boss got tired of the business and would want to retire or move onto other things. I guess I never realized I might still be around (in the company) at that point. It’s bittersweet for me. It’s the place that I have called my second home since moving to the Big Apple with two of the only co-workers I have ever known in this city. I have changed so much since my beginning there as a young twenty-something, and I have learned so much about advertising, production, animation, and so many other areas I had the opportunity of dipping into during my last seven years. I have had the chance to meet and work with some incredibly talented and amazing people, be included in fabulous events, and learn the ins and outs of an industry from a rare point of view. I am ever grateful for the mentorship, friendship, flexibility, confidence, trust, concern, and kindness my boss has shown toward me over these last several years. As a newcomer to NY, it can be scary to embark on a journey in such a large city, but I felt welcomed immediately and knew that I had people that I could count on in my life through my work.
It’s bittersweet, because although I am sad to leave the comfort of my job and my day-to-day relationships, this does mean I get to spend more time with my son while I figure all of this out. I also get the chance to start fresh and maybe try something new. I have thought about trying something new from time to time, but then I always get sucked back into the day-to-day, and I lean on the comfort of my security with where I am at. Now, I have no excuse for not pursuing those dreams. I don’t even necessarily know if I have figured out exactly what those dreams are…but I know have the time to soul search, dig deep into myself to figure out what I am passionate about, determine what my strengths are, and possibly marry all of that together. I do know that I want to continue working in some way, shape, or form. I like having a job outside of the home where I can be someone other than “Mom.” I love being Mom, but I also love creating and thinking and producing and connecting…doing all of the other things I know I am capable of in my life and in my career. I have enjoyed the balance in the past months since I have finished with maternity leave between home life and work life. I think that works best for me and my family…for my sanity…for Nico to grow comfortable with others…for my husband in regard to my sanity haha. I would like to find a way that I can continue that balance going forward. I don’t want to rush. I want to enjoy this extra time with my baby while I can, because I will never get it back. And I want to make sure my future decisions are based on careful, well-thought-out, heart-and-mind-fulfilling planning.
All that being said…this is not the way I planned on spending my first week back at home. I was super excited to take Nico out on playdates, catch up on blog posts, find some time for soul searching and career planning. And the most I have managed is two loads of laundry in four days. I have basically been immobile on the couch or bed, feeling like I have been hit by a ton of bricks. I have been bound by high fevers, chills, sniffles, body aches, head throbs, and a gnarly looking sore-throat…the absolute works. I’m not even able to care for myself, let alone a small child. My husband had to come home from work just to take me to the doctor, because I couldn’t get there by myself with the baby (and I also didn’t want the baby in the doctor’s office with a bunch of sick people.) It’s a miracle he hasn’t gotten sick yet, and I’m praying he doesn’t. Turns out, I think I have strep throat, and no wonder I am so miserable. I have not been feeling like that supermom I thought I would considering I have a full week of quality time alone with my son. Instead, it’s me moaning on the couch while he tries to play with his toys alone, wondering why I won’t play with him. It’s him bringing me toys and books up onto the couch, saying in his own way “come on mom, you used to be fun.” He’s been acting out, I think in defiance to my current state of being couch ridden. Refusing to eat his food, refusing to take his naps, and demanding milk constantly. Yesterday was an all-time low in regard to us spending time together. I thought I might literally go insane and found myself wishing for the day to just end so I could go to sleep and feel better, and that is just sad.
However today is a new day. I think the meds are finally starting to kick in, and it’s the first morning I woke up feeling not 100% miserable. I am even contemplating a walk later…if I can just get the rain to cooperate. Nico woke me up this morning with a kiss on my cheek complete with a MMMMWAH sound, and it just melted my heart. No matter how trying our day together was yesterday, I know that little guy has an ultimate love for me, and I have it just as much, if not more for him. When I woke up, I knew today was going to be a better day. And as I’m typing, Nico is taking a nap, so we are already on the right track. Although I haven’t gotten 1/10 of the things on my “first week back list” checked off I know I just need to be patient, regain my health, keep my family happy, and everything will work itself out in the end.