Now, my blog is usually a place of happiness, fun, fashion, & adventure…and I don’t intend on changing that. But my blog is also about life. And life is not always rainbows and butterflies. As much as I would like it to be sometimes, that is just not the case. So if I sat here and only talked about happy things all the time, then this blog would just not be real. And I think sometimes we need a dose of reality. It may be tough for some of you to read this. It has been a struggle for me to sit down and write this and go back to this place. But this is a topic that most women don’t openly talk about, and I honestly think that they should. There is no reason to hide it. It happens more often than we think. We just don’t realize it, because no one talks about it. You’re probably now thinking “just go ahead and say what you are talking about!” So here we go…
At this point, most of you now know that we have a Little Monkey on the way. And we are SOOOOO incredibly excited! What you may not know is that before there was a Little Monkey…there was a Peanut. My sweet, sweet little Peanut. My husband and I found out in September that we were expecting a child. I had a feeling that maybe I should take a pregnancy test. And let me tell you, I am not one of those people that freaks out and takes pregnancy tests often. I actually had NEVER taken one in my entire life until that day…when we got those two lines. It was actually quite surprising, because it pretty much happened “right away.” We were shocked and ecstatic at the same time. We said we wouldn’t tell anyone for awhile since it was so early…but then the next day, we just got too excited and told everyone. Well, not everyone. But all of our family, close friends, etc. Let’s just say it was quite a few people.
The day after we found out, we were on Cloud 9. We went to lay out in Prospect Park, pretty much skipping the whole way there. We hung out on a blanket under the sunshine and just daydreamed of what our life would be like when our little Peanut arrived in May. Right in time for our 2 year wedding anniversary. We daydreamed about Peanut coming to his/her first Outer Banks vacation with the family, the 1st Christmas, taking the stroller around the city in the summertime. It was pretty much the best day ever. To think that we would be bringing this beautiful little life into the world. We named the baby Peanut, because “it” just sounded awful, and we didn’t know the sex of the baby yet to say “he” or “she.” My husband and I are both kind of small, so we figured Peanut was a perfect name for our little one.
I immediately went into “Mom” mode. The smell of cigarette smoke at a party made me flee the scene immediately. Alcohol was not even missed on a Saturday night. I started reading up on all the websites and blogs for the right things to eat/not eat, pregnancy tips, etc. I was completely protective of my little Peanut, and felt like I was already a Mom. Although it had only been a short time, it felt like I had been carrying Peanut for much longer.
A week and a half or so after we got the good news of being pregnant, I started to have some complications. I wasn’t sure if anything was really wrong at first, because sometimes these symptoms can happen, and everything can be just fine. I called my mother-in-law (a midwife herself) constantly asking questions. But as the week progressed, my complications started to get worse, and I started to get worried. I didn’t have a doctor in NY yet, since prior to getting pregnant, I only needed to go to my OB/GYN once a year. I had just scheduled my appointments to go when I was in Maryland during the holidays or family vacation. Luckily, I had done some research in the NY area, and found two options that I was going to try out. When the complications started happening, I called them both immediately. Because, I was not already a patient, the first office I called pretty much told me there was “nothing they could do.” If I was going to miscarry, I was going to miscarry. That if things started to get “really bad,” then I should go to the ER. I was kind of shocked, but I didn’t accept that for answer. I called the other office, and luckily they brought me in for a sonogram the following day.
That day was very promising. We saw our little Peanut on the monitor. And there was a heartbeat! It was the most amazing feeling, and it was extremely encouraging. We left that day feeling very optimistic into the weekend, and overall happy that someone cared enough to help us and make us feel comfortable during this scary and terrifying time.
Unfortunately, my complications didn’t get any better, and they started to get worse throughout the weekend. I had severe pains that weekend, and I started to get extremely worried. I cried. And cried. I thought the worst. My husband consoled me. He was still optimistic. We scheduled an appointment for another sonogram that Monday.
We looked up at the screen for our little Peanut…and there was nothing there. Blank. Just an empty uterus. My husband was in denial. He thought maybe we needed to do the internal sonogram again, because the baby was just too small and we couldn’t see Peanut. But they tried that too. And still blank. Gone. Just completely gone. We both broke down at that point. It was the first time I ever saw my husband cry in my life. And we have been together for over 8 years. It was my turn to console him, yet it was almost impossible as I was pretty inconsolable myself.
It felt like Peanut had just been ripped away from us. Stolen. The day before I had been a Mom. And now I wasn’t. I had been planning a baby nursery and summer plans…and now I was sitting here empty-wombed and broken. Like I had never even been pregnant. Like everything should just go back to normal life. It was horrible. I do not wish miscarriage on anyone. We tried to be optimistic. We said we would try again. But we also acknowledged that the next baby would still not be our little Peanut. We would always feel that we should have had Peanut as our first child.
Fast forward to becoming pregnant with Little Monkey. Because we had lost Peanut, we really, really, really wanted Little Monkey. We were lucky it did not take long. Not that Little Monkey will ever replace Peanut. There is no way that would ever be possible. But maybe…just maybe there was a reason for all of this. If we hadn’t lost Peanut, there would also be no Little Monkey on the way. Now, I could never choose one child over another. But maybe something was wrong with Peanut in the womb. Maybe he/she wasn’t healthy or wasn’t developing properly. And maybe Peanut took the sacrifice by allowing Little Monkey a shot at this big, bad world instead. We’ll never really know, but I do hope that one day we can see our little Peanut in Heaven.
I have to say it was difficult to get excited about Little Monkey at first. I wanted to be. I felt like a bad Mom because I felt like I was forcing my excitement, and it wasn’t as real as my excitement with Peanut. “I should be more excited,” I thought. “Why can’t I be?” Well, the reason was because I was so damn nervous. I was terrified actually. I couldn’t get excited, because I couldn’t deal with the loss if another child was torn away from me. If I got excited, then it got real. I might jinx it. I couldn’t bear being in that dark place of unhappiness and sadness again, and so I just tried to get through day by day as if things were normal. If I didn’t think about it too much, then the time would pass by, and before I knew it, BOOM I would be in the “safe zone.”
Well, it didn’t exactly zoom past, but it did get easier and easier with time to get excited and be less nervous. We passed our 7 1/2 week point where we lost Peanut and that was helpful. Then, every week after that, we got more and more excited and confident that this time things were going to work out for us. When we went to hear Little Monkey’s heartbeat for the first time, I was extremely nervous. After it was confirmed that there was a little one inside me, I said “OH THANK GOD,” in the office. The midwife said, “What, were you nervous?” And I explained what had happened the first time. She then told me, “Well, just get ready, because this is the beginning of being nervous for the rest of your life.”
She makes a good point. I’m sure I won’t stop worrying just a little bit throughout my entire pregnancy. And I’m sure I will worry the first time Little Monkey gets sick, or something goes wrong, get his/her first injury, grows up and gets his/her drivers license, goes off to college, etc. etc. That’s just what motherhood is. Constant worrying and nervousness.
But it’s important to also ENJOY it. I don’t want to live life saying that I was a nervous wreck and didn’t enjoy my pregnancy at all. I want to enjoy as much of life as humanly possible. I accept that we are presented with challenges and complications in life. Nothing turns out perfectly. And things don’t always turn out the way you would expect them to. But I think it’s important to enjoy what you can.
So far my pregnancy with Little Monkey is going really well, and I am determined to relish in these moments while I have them. So farewell to any negative thoughts. I am staying positive from here on out. I am back to my typical self of planning and daydreaming about what lies ahead for our little family. Zack and I are really excited for the arrival of our Little Monkey, and we are ready to take on whatever challenges we were meant to face. We are strong and we can overcome, and we hope to teach our Little Monkey these same life lessons come September. 🙂